Vampire Grandma

Musings from Victoria Boynton

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Those Teeth Hurt?

October 30, 2016

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Do those vampire teeth hurt? Well, too bad because it’s Halloween and time to wear them, even if  they’re making you look like you need extreme orthodontics.  Even if you look like you just ate a stray cat. Even if you are trying to be an animal–other than a human animal. Actually it’s fun to stop being human, right? So go ahead–be a tiger, or a wolf, or a bear or a dinosaur.

And to all you vampire grandmas: Remember the days when you were little and could transform yourself into an animal? Be a horse or a deer or a lion or a snake? I recall jumping species, becoming other. What a relief not to be human.

Great fantasy!

Filed Under: Featured, Fine Grandparenting

Like these teeth?

October 19, 2016

With these teeth, it’s hard not to bite your tongue, sometimes.

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I should bite my tongue more often, actually. Everybody says so. I mean, I should stop swearing in the big fat upscale grocery store when customers cut in front of me. I should stop swearing when humans run red lights and tailgate. I should definitely stop swearing in front of my grandchildren. I’m trying. I’d say I’ve got it 97% under control. (But if you really want to know, ask my son and daughter-in-law.) When I was raising my son, I had to give him a quarter every time I said a “bad word.” I did give him quite a lot of money. But there is so much about human life that is infuriating/frustrating/****ed up.

But I’ve made a promise: no more nasty language and no more taking the Lord’s Name in vain. No more of that ****.

So when the teeth get in the way and I put another hole in my tongue, sometimes I screw up my face and think a word I would have said as a human. I guess I still have a ways to go yet until I’m the perfect vampire grandma.

Filed Under: Fashion and Food, Fine Grandparenting

Over-the-top grandparenting

October 11, 2016

al-carried-webLucy Furr squeezed Pricey, who was snuggled into the cradle of her arm. Her grandson was delicious as he nuzzled her. It was definitely baby-grabbing time– time for a little mutual nuzzling, his soft neck so ticklish and tender, time to make kissy noises while Pricey giggled at the pleasant pressure of his grandmother’s breath. She admired his perfect baby skin with her index finger. She cooed. Ok—so she’d seen a salesgirl turn away in disgust as Lucy baby-talked into Pricey’s face. And a cashier had winced as Lucy sang a little off-key song to Pricey as she paid. Nothing like grandbaby-love to drive a grandma over-the-top. She knew she should be more reserved, but she didn’t want to be. She loved the baby and she would express that love without regard for the judgments of those who didn’t understand.

It was ironic, though. Before Pricey, Lucy had vowed, “I will never bore people with grandchild pictures. I will not subject friends to videos. I will not post YouTubes of Pricey’s first steps and link them to my Facebook. I will not go crazy on Instagram. I will not have people’s first question to me be ‘How’s Pricey?’ I will not describe his obvious intelligence nor dwell on his bodily functions. I will not be that sort of grandmother. People won’t even know I’m a grandma. That humiliating, degrading word—doting—will not apply.”

But how wrong Lucy had been. She had done every single one of those things. Her friends nicknamed her Gramcracker. Photos clogged her devices. She had pictures of Pricey on all of her wallpapers, her refrigerator, her desk, her bureau, her rearview mirror.  Her phone gallery was overloaded. She was always running out of space.  SIM cards became her item of choice on shopping lists. She had fallen for Pricey as only a grandmother can, and he loved her back.sleep-in-carseatfin-and-v-in-forest-web

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Filed Under: Fine Grandparenting, Lucy Furr

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